The DNC Sues Itself
“The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.”
April 24, 2018
(Washington, D.C.) The Democratic National Committee announced today that it is suing itself, Russia, and the Democratic Party’s former nominee, Hillary Clinton, alleging a grand conspiracy that harmed Democrats and disrupted the 2016 presidential election.
The DNC filed its 67-page lawsuit in Wisconsin, a state which has 10 electoral votes, as the DNC recently discovered. It lays out how the DNC and the Clinton Campaign laundered money through the Perkins Coei law firm, to employ Fusion GPS, to hire a spy who paid Russian operatives to dig up dirt on Donald Trump.
"In the DNC, Russia found a willing and active partner in underhanded efforts to disrupt the presidential election,” the DNC lawsuit alleges. “This lawsuit outlines the paper trail of expenditures between the DNC, Clinton campaign advisers, and Russians.
DNC Chairman Tom Perez announced his committee’s legal action, explaining, “We couldn’t find anything proving that the Trump campaign colluded with Russia, all right? Zip. Nothing. Probably because there was no Trump campaign. The guy just ran around the country speaking at rallies, eating at McDonald’s, and tweeting at the moon all night. Trump couldn’t collude on a three-limo funeral.”
Perez continued, “So, we had to go where the facts led us. As it turned out, we found clear evidence of collusion: The DNC and the Clinton campaign paid the Russians for dirt, and now Donald Trump is President. Nailed it. Case closed.”
A spokesman for Mrs. Clinton’s campaign, tracked down walking in the woods near Chappaqua, N.Y., concurred with Perez. Though she preferred not to be named, she said, “We’ve known there was collusion all along. How else can you explain why I didn’t win? It doesn’t matter who did it: A major political party colluded with the Russians, our democracy was undermined, and Donald Trump ended up in the White House. And the most qualified candidate in human history was denied her right to reign over the American people, though it was her destiny to rule.”
Amid the blooms of April, the campaign official wiped away a tear that had frozen upon her icy cheek. She said, “They were never going to let me be President,” explaining that by “they,” she meant voters.
In the filing, the Democrats begin their narrative in 2004, with Hillary Clinton downing vodka shots with Senator John McCain on a Congressional tour of Estonia. McCain confirmed, “I knew Hillary Clinton was under Russian influence before that drinking contest was over.”
One Russian operative, contacted for this story at a bar near the Kremlin, validated the DNC’s legal assault on itself. “Seriously, we couldn’t believe our luck,” he said. “We couldn’t even get Alex Jones to bite on that crazy pee story, and he thinks the U.S government is using juice boxes to make children gay and Barack Obama is the global head of Al Qaeda. Then, boom, the DNC shows up -- and they actually want to pay us for it! Proyti vodku, tovarishch!”
The lawsuit also alleges that when a former MI6 agent, Christopher Steele, the author of the Russian dossier, was deposed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, Steele validated the DNC’s charges, admitting, “I’m with her.” Mr. Steele’s memory of events is not being questioned since he appears to be the only person who remembers any of the Clinton campaign’s eighty-four slogans.
In all, the lawsuit alleges a dozen crimes, from turning the Clinton Foundation into a slush fund to giving Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov a box, wrapped with a bow, containing a reset button. The most serious charge is “conspiracy to coronate.” DNC officials say their lawsuit could help them recoup substantial monetary damages from themselves, if they are ever able to raise any money.
Perez hinted the lawsuit may expand. “The Russians couldn’t have found Hillary Clinton’s emails if Hillary Clinton hadn’t hidden those emails, then bleached her server, and whacked her government-owned phones with a hammer.” Perez believes Mrs. Clinton should sue herself. “James Comey may be asked to testify in that suit,” Perez said, “if he ever comes down from his cross.”
Perez concluded, “The DNC and the Clinton campaign are not going to just stand by and let DNC and the Clinton campaign collude with the Russians. We are the victims here."
Judge John G. Koeltl, the Clinton appointee scheduled to preside over the suit, asked to be relieved of the case, explaining that he was confused and required time to manage his growing retirement portfolio.